LovingHim-RaisingThem

I spend time regularly reflecting on my thoughts, attitudes and the way I interact with those around me. It is one of the most valuable things I do. This is where the rubber hits the road, This is where I do business with the Lord. This is where I grow, mature, repent, forgive and am humbled again and again.

I can’t hide here.

Since the 18inch Journey last April I have spent more time intentionally writing it all down. Over and over I take time to discover the ‘why behind the what’.

‘Why did I overact so strongly when I was misunderstood earlier?’ ( Because I hate injustice of any kind)

‘Why did I get frustrated with Jon when he tried to help me?’ (Because I love to be in control)

‘Why were my thoughts so critical towards myself for making a simple mistake?’ (Because part of my value still comes from getting everything right)

‘Why can’t I let it go when I don’t fully understand something about God’ (Because I don’t always trust Him)

Theres always a reason for our broken ways of thinking, feeling and relating. The Holy Spirit will always reveal the truth if you’re willing to hear it. The more you do it the quicker your pride breaks down, the more you do it you begin to see patterns to your brokenness. Healing and wholeness come hot on the heals of truth and vulnerability.

Because I have practised this sometimes quite painful and pretence crushing discipline, Im starting to do it without the pen and paper every day as I live my life….It’s brilliant. I quickly recognise when one of my ‘sticky struggles’ is rearing its head and sort it much quicker. The fruit is beginning to grow both in my more positive mindset and my relationships, particularly my marriage and parenting.

A recent example;

On Thursday morning I really wanted to have some quiet time as it had been a while. So I decided to get up super early and nail my jobs to make the most of it. I got to crossfit for 6.30am, then straight to Tesco. I got home for 9am and had the fairly unrealistic expectation that I would have the whole 2 and a half hours before nursery pick up to spend reading/writing. (I’m always over ambitious and deluded when it comes to time) Jon had of course got all the kids up, sorted, done lunches school run etc and had started work on my return. As reality kicked in and I realised I now had to eat, shower, pack the shopping away, sort the breakfast pots etc my irritation grew and grew. As the minutes slipped away all my negative agreements began to rear up in mind.

‘theres never enough time’

‘nothing ever goes to plan’

As well as very unfair feelings of anger and blame to the rest of my family

‘Why didn’t the kids put the cereals/bowls away’

‘why didn’t Jon straighten the kitchen’

Slam, Huff. Slam, Huff.

Poor Jon who had only helped me out came in to make a coffee and made the mistake of asking me if I was ok….my selfish complaining began to come out. Historically my whole morning would have been ruined in my eyes and Jon and I would probably have an argument…

However I caught myself quickly and quietened quickly. I felt that inner nudge, notice all he has done to help you instead of the one thing he missed. Say thank you. Your not making eye contact (another thing I do when I’m annoyed) All of this is happening in my head and nobody is going to notice or pull me up on it. But I notice, I don’t want to be like this.

So I make a choice I know I’m freaking out and being horrible because I never think there is enough time, the tighter I grip it the more it falls away from me. So I do the exact opposite of what I want to do I breathe deeply, I stop stomping around, I give eye contact and I say thank you. It hurts, it crushes my selfishness. The fruit is beautiful…

My morning isn’t ruined. We don’t have an argument. I kicked selfishness’s ass!

I’m embarrassed to write this. I feel ridiculous that I have these thoughts but even as I risk vulnerability and share them with you I’m becoming more free. I don’t want to stay where I am and use excuses to justify unacceptable ways of thinking and behaving. I want to grow and I want my life to marked my love and kindness. I think it’s worth the work.

I encourage you reflect on your life, admit your faults, find your freedom.

Its so beautiful and every part of your life will begin to flourish

Love Emma