LovingHim-RaisingThem

I pulled a muscle in my back last week and I still don’t really know why and after 4 weeks I’ve accepted that I will never know. For some people I’m sure ‘the why’ wouldn’t matter too much but for me it was really difficult.

I noticed myself obsessing over it and trying so hard to figure it out.

I also noticed how much I was quietly panicking deep inside that there was some sort of permanent damage to my back.

I also noticed I went into hyper research mode about back injuries.

I also noticed the feelings of its not fair creeping in, I really look after my spine this shouldn’t happen to me. ( Im cringing admiting this one!)

I also noticed what I really missed about movement and where my passions lie.

So I pulled a muscle in my back and it was really triggering for me, so what? But at least I noticed. I noticed, because I choose to live an examined life, every day, when its ordinary and its boring to do so.

But why bother?

What’s the point in noticing?

For years now every day for just a few minutes I review my day, praying and noticing my actions, my thoughts, my motivations and over time you begin to notice patterns. When things keep coming up for you over and over, you can begin to pray and ask the next question.

Why am I hyper researching when things go wrong?

Well its because I hate feeling out of control, and on some level I still believe if I can just know everything and control it I will be ok……Is that true? No. Do I want to live like this forever? No.

So noticing can lead to deeper questions which can lead to change.

In the case of my back I went to the research almost unconsciously its a learned response. But because I noticed I found out a normal amount of information and then I made a conscious choice to not do any more. Then I prayed and I gently let go of the control (who’s real name is fear by the way) and I chose to trust my physio and sports therapist and my own body’s capacity to heal. And I have.

But what if I hadn’t noticed?

What if I didn’t do my daily prayer of Examen, when its boring and I’d rather daydream?

Well, I would be a little less whole and a little less free.

So to me its worth it.

Whats your favourite ways of leading an examined life?

Emma x