Listening and letting go

‘Theres always room for everything that matters’ ( Call the midwife, Christmas Day 2018)

As a mother I have learned over the last 11 years to listen out for the voice of the Lord in and through everything. For years I punished and tormented myself with striving to create a life where I could meet with God and experience him according to my preconceptions and preferences. I love the quiet, solitude, nature and my journal. I always meet Him there, I make sure I go there regularly, but it isn’t my daily reality. Through the fire, through persistence, through desperation I have found a new way, a way I will keep on finding for the rest of my life;

Everything is sacred.

The Lord is always present and always speaking, that’s the deepest reality, not how we feel or our circumstances.

Sometimes He uses words, sometimes films, nature, heartache, relationship, bible study, beauty, song, church gatherings, poetry or suffering. But more often than not its a whisper, not a shout. Sometimes He even speaks through silence and you have to extra quiet deep down inside to hear that…..

For the last decade Jon and I have created a rhythm of seeking a word of theme for our year. The Lord has always answered that prayer, his response is often a surprise and nearly always disruptive. I always begin the year with a fast, reactive interpretation of the word or theme and I finish the year realising I had no idea what God had meant by it, and what He worked in and through me was far deeper and richer than anything I could have come up with.

My word for 2018 was grace. I imagined spending the year trying to give more grace to Jon and the kids, to our team at church and to wider friends and family. I ended the year knowing God has been teaching me how to receive it.  This morning a tiny reaction, so small and insignificant showed me I’m making progress. I woke late, the house is a bit messy and as I sat on the toilet (such a glamorous story!) I glanced over and saw our bathroom plant totally dead

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Instead of my usual reaction of anger towards myself for neglecting it, annoyance at the waste of money to replace it, I found myself letting it go and deciding to just go and buy another one. Not really choosing to have a good and rational attitude just having one. Grace towards myself, fruit growing in my life, change happening.  Tiny, small, insignificant yet so beautiful to me. I felt heavens smile. Went downstairs and the first thing that caught my attention was this little lemon tree shoot i’m nurturing a gift from a friend. It’s thriving.

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It’s unrealistic to expect everything in our live to be thriving all the same time. No one can live like that. I found gratitude springing up. I do do some things well, and it’s OK that I make mistakes. Other people are also allowed to make mistakes, whatever we first live and do the work in in our own lives will always spill out to those around us. Without a doubt I have given out more grace this year to those around me than ever before as I have learned to receive it.

SO this year my word is focus. God gave me the word about two weeks ago and in that time I began my usual race to interpret it and make a plan. I was halted in my tracks. No more rushing ahead this year, Im waiting. Partly wisdom is making my wait on the Lord, partly circumstances is forcing me. But Im waiting all the same. Below is the list that began to swirl in my mind of what God might want me to focus on in 2019. This isn’t a joke by the way this is how intense and unrealistic I can be!

  • Getting up at 5.30am
  • A daily pilates routine
  • one to one time with my kids
  • supporting Jon
  • keeping the house really clean
  • the youth work at church
  • cross fit
  • my close friendships
  • my broader friendships
  • my prayer life
  • my giving
  • my bible reading
  • my marriage
  • decluttering
  • getting my book published

So waiting is new unsettling, control freak crushing, Jesus’s sense of humour plan.

He’s given me the word focus and then led me to a place through different circumstances  where I am unable to make plans and choose my focus. I mean He’s brilliant, I just love Him!

Christmas Day I was watching Call the midwife with my mum, I wasn’t prayerful or attentive but I was quiet, my heart, thoughts and plans were quiet as I allowed myself to rest and be present with my mum and the show.

Suddenly these words jumped straight out of the screen and grabbed at my heart

‘theres always room for everything that matters’

I filed it for later and when I went to bed I scribbled it at the start of my new journal. Whatever surprising things end up being my focus in 2019 He quieted my fears by interrupting call the midwife and telling me that whatever he calls me to focus on in 2019 will leave room for everything that matters. It won’t require my old ways of striving and needing to know everything, I can use what I’ve learnt in 2018 trust him to lead me in 2019.

Everything is sacred. He is always speaking. He is always present.

I pray Gods richest blessing over your 2019, and I pray you show yourself kindness however things end up playing out

Love Emma

1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Jennifer Millington
    Jan 01, 2019 @ 18:29:29

    Very encouraging and insightful message. Thank you and thank God for using toy to share your testimony.
    Much love and blessings
    Jen jen xx

    Reply

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