This is unedited brought directly to you from bar burrito at Gatwick Airport. I’ve been up since 3.30am so please move on if you want filtered thoughts and polished sentences….. This is more raw emotion, crying into my burrito bowl kind of blog… I know, lovely mental image.
Today I stared some long inbedded fears straight in the face. I have a lot of irrational anxiety around travelling alone, and I’m married to Jon who is as happy and relaxed as can be around travel. So naturally I’ve hidden behind him in travel since I was 21.
I knew I had to take this trip alone just booking it was awful. I made my flight, and train OK. Then I was faced with the tube. I understand this is fine for some people but I’m really claustrophobic and it’s a nightmare for me. I saw the bus stop and nearly bottled it but I just kept walking and got 2 tubes. The joy of actually doing it and not fainting…. And getting out back above ground was so empowering. I felt like I’d just climbed everest.
I took my pilates exam and failed. One success straight into a failure. I left crushed, my mind assaulted by self hatred, embarrassment and disbelief.
What will my clients think?
What will my kids think?
What will my work think?
I think it’s so important to talk about our failures, our feelings of shame and lack of self worth. I know in my intellect that exams don’t define my worth. But my heart was telling a different story.
I’m choosing kindness to myself.
I did so well today. Wow that’s hard to type, and increasing the tears rolling down my face. Why is it so hard to be kind to yourself?
I can’t wait to see my kids and Jon. To cry in front of them. For my kids to see that sometimes you study hard and you still fail.
I cant wait for them to see that failing is both hard and normal.
I also can’t wait for them to see me keep studying, to risk failure again and keep going. I can’t wait to pave a way for them to see that life can hurt and be hard but that we can both feel our feelings and move on.
Next time. I will be further from fainting as I sit before take off. I will go to my exam more prepared, My heart will pound less as I pass security armed with guns and dogs {OK I might not manage that last one}
Face your fears. The only way out is through.
Embrace failure and learn.
I hope this makes some sort of sense.
Being human is tricky. My faith has grounded me today. I know I’m loved and accepted just as I am, it helps silence the shame.
So I raise my nettle tea to you all (which I brought from home of course) let’s keep going!
Em x
LovingHim-RaisingThem 
Jan 21, 2020 @ 16:12:51
You may not have passed your exam today Em, you you definitely did NOT fail…… Love, Ruth. Xx
Jan 21, 2020 @ 16:46:12
You are one very brave, clever, insightful, honest and loving lady, doing what you were meant to do. Thank you x
Jan 24, 2020 @ 00:18:26
Hello Em. You are one amazing young woman. You excel at so much, I can’t even imagine how you do what you do with so much care, love and grace. Just know how loved you are by our Father, by me and so many others and are far from a failure. My oh my, I can’t even keep a sour dough starter alive!!! ;}x
BTW – it is a brave thing to write so openly from your heart, thank you.
Jan 30, 2020 @ 13:05:01
Hi Em, just read your post…. You are not alone in fearing travelling alone. For years I have been terrified of having to drive unknown places/long distances, catching trains…. Especially the tube and planes in my own. Almost to the point of panic attacks. Fear of getting lost and disoriented (I do not have a good sense of direction) and I have come unstuck a number of times because of it.
That fear has stopped me doing things at times/going on adventures.
I had to overcome it to a certain point when Matt died but it’s still there. I feel embarrassed by it but felt a bit of a release when I realised it was an actual fear to myself.
Thank goodness for mobile maps on our phones… This has helped!
Just thought I’d share…. sometimes it helps to know we are not alone in our fears.
I think you are very brave actually xxx
________________________________