LovingHim-RaisingThem

I got up early this morning.

I’ve been trying on and off for months with little success to get out of bed bright and early before my already bright and early household. I got the bread in the oven grabbed a hot water and lemon (caffeine mostly off  limits for now…another story! ) I gathered my books and journal and sat at the desk. I never sit here but I felt drawn to it today. 

I opened my journal and read over my last entry, which was about 3 weeks ago….I felt instantly sad that I hadn’t been to my journal for that long, as it is a source of life for me. I began reading and saw that the things I had written, I had’nt implemented either…

Sadness was moving like a freight train past conviction into guilt and condemnation. It’s not even 6am and I’m feeling terrible. I got up to fill my mind and heart with God and start my day well, and instead it’s filled with self condemnation.

I look up and stare mindlessly at the plant on the desk, a source of further irritation as I see one of the beautiful peace lily leaves browning and curling around the edges. I can’t even water the sodding plant I inwardly berate myself. I twist off the ruined leaf and put it down by plant. I try to get back to my journal but I’ve nothing to write.

I pick up the half dead leaf and begin to twiddle with it unsure of what to do. I begin to write and my pen runs out…..my frustration levels are rising, I place the pen down calmly and rummage in the drawer for another. I come across the kids crayons and an idea enters my mind to draw the leaf. I feel slightly ridiculous as I am unable to draw and to be honest what’s the point? That will take up all my time to do something productive. I decide to go for it. I know I am the leaf. Not watered enough and becoming pot bound. I too am curling and crispy around the edges.

I breathe out the frustration and begin to draw. Because I have no clue what I’m doing I have to concentrate and be slow. This is both hard for me and a sense of absolute relief because my mind runs at a million an hour for most of the day. I feel myself soothing and I sense Gods smile. 

I’ve been set up.

Holy Spirit is our inner compass, our guide and our friend. I believe he wooed me to the desk this morning because my effort and striving to have my life together would have got me nowhere today. I needed to relax, accept my reality. I’m loved just as I am.

I believe with my whole heart in abiding with God, in soaking in the vine you will see it is the basis of this blog. But round the mountain I go again.

Even as I write now I feel the temptation to edit, and twist the truth a bit. Man I hate failure. But I’m still typing and I will not edit my life. My value of authenticity is a non negotiable. The beauty and the power is in the mess. It’s in the failing and the getting up. It’s in the fact that I try again and although not completly free and light, I’m miles on from where I was. We don’t need perfect people to encourage us along the journey…who can relate to them! 

Have a great weekend and I pray you find a little bit of time to do something that brings you life. For me today I’m laying aside productivity and I’m going to try my best to relax and have some fun. Hopefully I will be slightly less crispy around the edges tomorrow.